House Porn and Boondoggle

Jeepers!  Creepers!  When did I become such a peeper?!

Since we moved up north, I have kept my eye on the housing market.  Some day we want to be within walking distance of shops and restaurants and I want a nice garden. 

I downloaded the Trulia app and I often look at houses for sale. I could say this is just market research.  But really, I think this is what people call "house porn".  

I love looking at the pictures. I can't resist seeing what people have inside their homes and yards.  From the ones who have paid to have it staged to the ones who hung 18 quirky chandeliers, left their dirty clothes on every chair, and have a package of Wonder Bread on the kitchen counter. Pinch and zoom and you can see every detail of their lives.  It's deliciously disgusting....voyeuristic.  

I was never like this before and it didn't start this way. But it's a slippery slope. 

At first I only looked at houses that we could actually buy. Our price range, decent condition. I would click on the map feature to see where it is as I try to get acquainted with neighborhoods. Genuine market research. 

But then I started to look at everything.  Even on Mondays. 

What do you get for $12million??? What is that horrid looking shack in the middle of the Russian River vineyards? What were they doing out there? What is a 300 sq ft 1 bedroom 1 bath doing on 4 acres??  It's too small to be a farmhouse, was it for the caretaker or a family of migrant farmworkers? Wow - Look at that ultra modern all solar all salvaged materials surrounded by an apple orchard!  Could I live in a place called Occidental? Sounds like industrial New Jersey, yet it's the ultimate hippy-turned-rich bohemian community. Are we bohemian enough, would we fit in?

Descriptions are equally tantalizing. 'Cozy'  'Charming'  'Vintage'. 'Turnkey' 'Art studio'. Every writer has a different definition.  

Cozy = small. 

Charming = a bit beaten up but you might think that adds character.  

Vintage = old.  

Turnkey = you don't need to fix anything (yeah, right!)  

Art studio = it has 4 walls and a roof and you can stand in it, but there is no room for a chair, a table, a bed or any furniture. It was probably the old exterior fuse box and now it's been added to the square footage with temptation of Airbnb income. Yeah...I could see people would pay to sleep in a hammock....ok, a short person.....hey, we could earn enough to cover the taxes!

Look!  a koi pond!  That sounds nice. Oh wait...I'd have keep them alive.  

Look at the sculpture garden...do they come with the house?  

My goodness....they've used all those conch shells so creatively. 

While I was trolling the internet for houses, I suddenly fell in love with one. 

The property I fell in love with was actually 3 little dwellings surrounding an amazing garden. The 1945 bungalow was 400 sq ft. 1 BR  1BA.  It was never remodeled or upgraded, although the owner over-decorated everything inside and out extensively. The chandeliers did not come with the house. The description said "dollhouse". Think of those really fun shabby chic antique stores. Every tree had things hanging from it. A bathtub used as a planter in one corner...lights strung up everywhere. 

The second space was a converted garage - done very well and turned into a lovely zen room with some Japanese doors and other touches to give it character. Greg named it the Mikado Room. 

The third structure was a little pre-fab house styled like a barn, with a red door and a front porch all covered with wisteria.  

There was also a storage shed - 6' x 24' with no ventilation. It had been installed 20 years ago to grow pot. The walls still had the hooks for all the grow lights. The gas/electric meter had been tampered with to not register the full electric usage of the property. So we could have had extra income from both Airbnb and weed and a $10 electric bill! 

To make a 3 week long story short:  The seller never held an open house. She was selling it "as is". We were the only ones who made an offer. We offered $25K less than her asking price. She accepted. We went into escrow...paid for all the inspections...which revealed a very neglected place that needed a lot of work.  We already knew it needed work, but the reports showed a lot more. Our wonderful agent scrambled to get a lot of quotes to estimate repair work.   Based on that, we lowered our offer by another $20K.  Trust me - that was generous.  There were a ton of things we were not asking for and willing to take on ourselves. 

The seller rejected our insulting offer. So the deal was off.  We are feeling neutral.  It would have been a lot of work and taking on some risks of unknowns. This boondoggle cost a lot but we learned a lot in a very short time. 

You would think that after we got the news of losing the house, I would stop and pause for a moment. But that very night, I found myself pressing my thumb on my Trulia app and aimlessly swiping, pinching and zooming in bed, in the dark, after Greg fell asleep. 

Then I googled "house porn support group". 

There isn't one.  

Maybe I'll start one.

After we buy a house.